Today, on one of my newly favorite
blogs the topic of not liking or not being happy with your wedding has come up for discussion, and boy am I glad it has! Not only has it provided some much needed comiseration but it has given me the ability to come to terms with the disappointment and, let's be honest here, resentment that I am currently battling over my own impending wedding. That's right- impending wedding, that hasn't happened, that I am already unhappy with. Among the many posts, on said favorite blog, a prominent theme was about doing what you want. About making it 'your day' and not 'their day'. I think that I have an interesting take on this particular (and quite common) debate. It's not that simple to follow your heart. It's not the easy road to just do what works best for you, because a wedding, by definition is anything BUT being solely about two people. The wedding by in my own very personal and not-for-everyone opinion is about everyone, coming together for you, as a couple. Before you judge, which is what two or three of my closest friends have done, please read, and if it compels you, post! I want to know that other people may be having the same experience. That even though you said "I Do", problems way beyond color choices, fonts, table schemes and even monetary constraints exist. And they are monumetally important. So without further adieu, here is my story and how I came to be unhappy with my wedding before we even started planning:
I met my fiancee at his work (car dealership) and we have been inseparable ever since. Like peas and carrots the two of us became and soon, 5 months after dating, we moved in together and here is where the trouble started: Tom is divorced, a single-dad with a now 8 year old daughter. Also, he was married in the Catholic Church, which is the same religion I was baptized, confirmed and raised in (although I do NOT practice or participate currently). Knowing early on that we were destined to be married, Tom filed for an annullment, filling out a 35 page "application" and paying a hefty "application fee" of $600.00. At the time, the diocese of Pittsburgh had no bishop and therefore his application sat, in a stack of hundreds if not thousands of other applications for the better part of our relationship. His priest, technically his advocate, had no information, no advice and at times didn't even have time to talk to him or meet with him to discuss the process. In the meantime, Tom and I moved to Phoenix, AZ and a year later (desert livin' ain't easy) we came back to the city we love and where both of our families are. Not without struggle, we both found jobs, lost jobs, rented terrible and expensive apartments and are now finally settled in jobs and in home.
This summer, after we were engaged, it became time to follow-up with the annullment. After calling the
tribunal office and contacting his priest, the application went from "lost" to "found and incomplete" to "rejected" in a matter of days. Three years! Three effin' years that paper application sat in a pile, where it only took them 2 weeks to cash our check, and now we have notthing to show for it and we can't marry in the Catholic Church. Why do I want to get married in the Catholic Church, when I am so far from being Catholic, you might ask? Well, most simply put, my mom wants me to. And I don't mean 'want' in the way you really, really want that new Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't mean 'want' in the way that moms think they know what's best. I mean WANT in the way that if I don't marry in the Catholic Church my marriage will be destitute, destined for failure and divorce. My marriage, if done outside of the church, will be loveless, lifeless, and basically illegitamate. My mother is a devout Catholic and has had to rely on her religion as a means for getting through the difficult times and bumps in the road that everyone faces throughout a lifetime of 'together-ness'. And I respect that with everything I got- I really, truly do. And I won't ever discredit that- but that
level of Catholic dedication takes our inability to wed in the church to a whole different level. Here is where I begin to hate things...
I love my mom, just like most people do, and I don't want to do anything that would disappoint here, again, like most people wouldn't want to do. But not being married in the church (to her) is the same as saying she has failed *FAILED* as a mother. (words right out of her own mouth!) But the pressure to perform something that is now out of my hands, is unbearable to me. I
want a wedding, I want to plan, I want to make an event all my own and simultaneously have my family be a part of it, but how can I do this when my mother really, truly feels that I should not be getting married?! In fact, she believes that I *can't* get married, because my betrothed is still betrothed to someone else! Please, please tell me there is someone out there who is also experiencing this- I can't be the only one.
Why is my mother's approval so important to me? Why can't I just say, "Too bad, Mom, I love Tom and we are going to get married." and skip along to a happy wedding without her? Well, I will tell you why. Since I am not religious in any manner, the part that carries the most meaning in the whole wedding is the ceremony and in my opinion (only in my opinion, not fact) I feel that to validate our marriage, or our love, it needs to be proclaimed/exclaimed in front of our family. Simultaneously, one of the most important members of said family, is naturally my mother, who most likely, will actively choose to not be a part of the planning and worst, not attend the actual event. This, in and of itself, is breaking my heart. Tearing it apart and leaving a sticky sadness all over my plans and dreams to marry the person that I love. It also saddens me deeply that from the very start, something that *should* be the happiest part of my planning process (the easy beginning where everyone showers you with love, congratulations, support and well wishes) is already carrying an enormous amount of bagage.
I don't know if you, dear reader, noticed in the first paragraph where I mentioned that 2 or 3 of my closest friends have already judged me on this matter. Although I still am friends with them, I feel as if they have thrown salt in my wounds. They have readily and easily taken the stance that this is 'my day' (a concept that I don't appreciate or believe in, due to my above feelings of what a wedding should be) and I should swiftly forget about my mom and keep on planning regardless. I resent that sentiment wholeheartedly and in fact I pity their future weddings because if they think that someone can consciously forgo their mother's wishes and only think about themselves when planning a day that will inextricably link my family with the love of my life is shallow, self-centered/interested and just plain simple.
This wedding, although Tom and I will be at the center, is not completely about us and that is exactly how I want it- honestly! The joke that "this is my world, and everyone else is just payin' rent" is so far from true at this very juncture in my life. I have a very large, extended family that I actually see quite frequently and I relish in the fact that I will have an opportunity to introduce my family to Tom and vice versa and that they will come to support us, to share advice and celebrate us as a couple coming together to begin their lives together. I'm not worried about the event. I know that planning will be stressful and worrisome and I can already gauruntee that I will have a breakdown at some point. I guess my long-winded point is, and the part that I am seeking advice or comment on is- how do I go on when the most important family member doesn't want to take part in the making of my new life with the one I love?
